pikelet workshop: Exhale...

ex·hale.....To blow forth or breathe out.

It's been eleven weeks since we gave our details to the lawyer in Toronto. Nine weeks since he submitted our application to Services Canada. And two and a half weeks since we left our lovely house and started living out of suitcases in the suburbs.

Finally, on Saturday morning, we received the email giving us the go ahead to get on a plane. Total relief.

But people were asking me if I was excited. I wasn't. I'm still not, exactly.

What I have felt over the last 24 hours is mostly fatigue (think jaw-cracking yawns every ten minutes) and deflation. I thought I would feel like posting about it immediately, but my brain wouldn't co-operate.

It's been such a mad month, I don't think I've allowed myself the full emotional response. I've been frustrated, depressed, exhausted and angry but only experiencing that on the surface.

I still had washing to do, meals to cook and a family to keep in line. And I think that's what got me through it so smoothly. I had to remain calm for my husband and my child. Mostly I did that, with the occasional bout of ill temper, though I'm not really one to hide all of my emotions from my daughter. I want her to know that it's ok to feel and articulate emotions. On the other hand, there's no point sitting in a corner and rocking when there's life to be lived. Just get on with it.

As the adrenaline seeped away the first emotions to emerge were the frustration and disappointment that I hadn't given way to before. And complete mental numbness followed.

Today, I'm better able to process what it happening. No doubt packing eight suitcases to 23 kg each probably helped. It's starting to sink in. We really are relocating to Toronto. This week, in fact.

It will be hard work and crazy, but also wonderful. We've always known what we were signing up for.

Even all this stupid waiting hasn't come as a real surprise.

I'm just starting to breathe again, to really exhale.